Managing Codependent Relationships

Codependent relationships can range from the annoying to the truly scary, dependent upon how the codependency is ultimately expressed. Codependency may be a symptom of deeper issues that need resolution or it may simply be an infantile attempt to win love. In either case, managing codependent relationships can be a significant problem.

The term "codependent" or "co-dependent" is thrown around fairly easily nowadays in order to describe all manner of annoying companions. But what is a codependent? A codependent is a person with low self-esteem who feels the need to be loved by others and will do anything to stay in a relationship, relying on the other person to make them feel worthy. The codependent often attempts to win this love by doing things or giving gifts to the object of their affection. Ultimately, when these gestures are spurned, the codependent is hurt and responds with sadness, frustration, anger -- and guilt.
Codependents are, by definition, manipulators. They may be fairly innocent, low-grade manipulators, or they may be burgeoning world-dominating evil geniuses, but they are all manipulators. If you are dealing with codependent relationships, it is fundamental to understand this aspect before moving forward. The cardinal rule of managing codependent relationships is this: You must cut the manipulative, codependent behavior off cold.

The only real cure for codependency is for the codependent to find a source of genuine self-esteem. This involves cultivating a competence in which they may take pride and, as a result, it can be a long path towards good, well balanced mental health. As a friend of a codependent you may assist them on this path, but doing so without enabling their codependent behaviors is difficult.

Here are a few pointers to assist in managing codependent relationships:

Cut off the Codependent Behavior - This must be handled on an individual basis, depending upon the personality of the codependent, but it comes down to not rewarding codependent behaviors. Do not accept the gifts or the offers of over-the-top assistance. The seemingly loving gestures are bait to attract your affection and a return favor, so you must not reward that.

Encourage the Codependent to Cultivate a Hobby - The codependent needs to find an area of authentic expertise in which he or she can take pride and this may be in the form of a hobby or the study of a field of particular interest. If they already enjoy dancing, encourage them to take lessons, or if they show an interest in model railroading, encourage them to build a layout. Creative outlets can be tremendous channels for the codependent's energies and they help to build that necessary self esteem.

Encourage the Codependent to Advance at Work - Often the codependent personality will be bored with their work and they redirect their focus inappropriately. Encourage them to seek additional challenges or specializations through their work. Or, if their current job is truly dead-end, encourage them to polish their resume and seek better employment elsewhere. This, again, is a huge self-esteem builder and that is what the codependent needs the most.

Managing codependent relationships can be a nightmare, especially for those who truly care about the person. Ultimately the burden falls on them to either kick the codependent out of their lives altogether or to try to give the codependent the firm support that they need.

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