Amal, a 25 year-old social worker, sought therapy because of difficulties related to intimacy. Through their weekly sessions, Amal's therapist learned about her upbringing; Amal grew up in a family of two sisters, with parents who had immigrated to the United States from Jordan. Amal's therapist noticed that she often described herself as the "go-to" person, be it at work, with friends, and especially with her family. Amal kept every burden to herself, as she was seen as "the strong, dependable one". Unfortunately, this pattern had a detrimental effect on Amal. She became the epitome of the classic caretaker, following a career path which led to only more caretaking. In the end, her romantic relationships suffered, one after the other, as she felt a strong desire to control, had angry outbursts, felt very insecure, and could not assert herself. That is when Amal's therapist introduced her to the concept of co-dependency.
What do we mean by co-dependency?
Years ago, the term was heavily associated with partners of alcoholics who felt trapped in a caretaking role, placing others' needs before their own. While this aspect of co-dependency is still applicable and present, the term has come to encompass a broader sphere of behaviors. Melody Beattie defines a co-dependent person as "one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior" (Beattie, 1992). Co-dependent behavior can become inextricably entwined with being a good daughter, brother, wife, caregiver, religious figure, or even therapist.
Typical behaviors of co-dependent people
Caretaking: co-dependents feel responsible for others. They feel anxious when they hear of others experiencing difficulty, and will do whatever it takes to alleviate their burdens.
Obsession: co-dependents' obsession with worrying about others affects their personal lives. For instance, they have trouble sleeping and often feel tired and restless.
Controlling: when individuals are trapped by the belief that their world is spiralling out of control, they will try to compensate by controlling whatever they can. This is a way of correcting the past.
Denial: co-dependents keep themselves occupied so that they can avoid ruminating about their problems.
The Dangers
Low self-worth: co-dependents do not know how to appropriately respond to compliments and praise. They never feel good enough, berate themselves for the most trivial things, and their insecurities prevent them from making decisions.
Dependency: they are taken by the idea that others complete them. They never feel fulfilled on their own, and look to others to satisfy them.
Weak boundaries: it is easy for co-dependents to allow others to take advantage of them; however, this leads to feelings of resentment.
Trust: they do not trust themselves or others.
Anger: co-dependents can have angry outbursts. They feel agitated and high-strung all of the time.
Detachment and Assertiveness Training
A primary step in dealing with co-dependency involves detachment. Contrary to popular belief, detachment does not refer to detaching yourself from those you love and eschewing your responsibilities, but rather, detaching yourself from the involvement, control, and unhealthy patterns of interacting. Co-dependents must become aware of what they can and cannot change. They must live in the here and now. Looking in the rear-view mirror is futile; you cannot change the past. Obsessing over what will come is equally fruitless; you cannot predict the future. Assertiveness training often goes hand in hand with co-dependency. Assertiveness training begins with knowing who you are, what you value, and being able to communicate that. It is not an easy process, as it involves working with one's self image and core beliefs. Denial, fear, and anger are normal aspects of the process, but eventually therapy can offer clarity, hope, and a sense of peace.
Through therapy, Amal first came to realize what she was doing and why it was unhealthy. She learned to love herself, to know herself, and to figure out what she wanted in life.
Co-dependent individuals benefit immensely from psychotherapeutic support which helps them view their experiences with a fresh lens, and can be very empowering for them, ultimately guiding them to understand and respect themselves and others. If you or someone you care about appears to be struggling with aspects of co-dependency, it may be a good idea to reach out for support.
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